Mastering Conflicts Nonverbally

On Nonverbal Communication

“In terms of nonverbal language, most of us are dyslexics.” — Vera F. Birkenbihl

Nonverbal communication is gaining popularity. Many people are familiar with TV series like “Lie to Me,” which illustrate ways of detecting dishonesty through subtle facial cues, or shows where “mind readers” with seemingly magical abilities guess unknown phone numbers or chosen color combinations. These experts use their knowledge of nonverbal behavior to discover inner states and possible thoughts. Identifying and interpreting body language in others is one aspect of how nonverbal communication can be used. Such ability might allow you to astonish or surprise others, or assess them—but it doesn’t necessarily allow you to influence them.

If you want to shape interpersonal communication situations yourself, focus on your own body language and learn to deploy it strategically. This can help you become more persuasive in interactions. There are broadly recognized body-language behaviors that appear more charismatic or convincing than others, gestures that enhance listeners’ attention, or vocal styles that nurture the audience’s trust. In conflict scenarios, you might select certain behaviors to prevent disagreements or to diffuse tension through nonverbal cues. Understanding these “behavioral tricks” and putting them into practice can drastically alter how you’re perceived.

You may know the famous iceberg model, which is a cornerstone in communication theory. Only about one-eighth of an iceberg is visible, the remainder hidden below the surface. Similarly, the explicit, verbal communication we use is just the tip of the iceberg—the intangible, often unconscious nonverbal signals are by far the stronger influence. Although “hidden,” they wield significant effect.

This fact reveals the vast potential of body-language communication. By attending to your own nonverbal signals, you can greatly boost your communication abilities.

Paul Watzlawick once said, “One cannot not communicate.” By that, he meant that every behavior is a reaction to something or someone, thus it has a communicative property. Since behavior has no opposite—that is, you cannot “not behave”—it’s impossible not to communicate. Every type of communication—especially the nonverbal kind—conveys a certain message to the other party.

The key is learning to use nonverbal communication in ways that are supportive and beneficial.

Preventing or Overcoming Challenging Conversations Using Nonverbal Communication

Most people have no problem delivering compliments or good news. But if the content is negative or unpleasant, conveying that message can quickly become more daunting—whether in a conversation with clients, customers, employees, in a presentation, or when resolving personal conflicts. Whenever you need to share “bad news,” you typically feel uneasy.

Why is that, and how can you reduce such discomfort in the future? Conflicts may arise whenever people communicate. Differences in viewpoints, values, or simple misunderstandings might create friction or difficulties in conversation.

This chapter introduces three nonverbal “tools.” They can help you maintain clearer communication, project confidence, and remain resourceful in conflict scenarios, so you can keep a cool head and defuse tension more easily.

They answer these questions:

How can we quickly establish good rapport with others?
What can we do to preserve positive relationships when delivering critical information?
What if you feel attacked or if strong emotions suddenly arise (in you or your counterpart)?

Tool #1

Position Your Body at a Right Angle to Your Partner/Environment

Think about how job interviews typically occur. Or how you sit with a close friend in a café. Are there differences in seating arrangement? Research suggests that for less serious, informal topics, we naturally assume a different posture than we do in more formal or “negative” contexts. Indeed, for formal or potentially uncomfortable interactions (e.g., employee performance reviews), participants often sit face-to-face. In friendly, casual chats, they often sit at a roughly 90-degree angle to each other.

If you place yourself at a right angle to your conversation partner, you encourage a more positive dialogue. Why? Sitting side-by-side or at 90 degrees signals that you share a direction, enhancing rapport. Sitting directly across can feel like an opposition—more adversarial. So from a practical viewpoint, it’s beneficial to adopt a friendlier angle so the conversation flows more easily.

Moreover, for difficult subjects, it’s nice to avoid having to stare directly at the other person without pause. Negative topics can stir uncomfortable emotions; forced eye contact rarely alleviates that. Being at a right angle means you face away from each other by default, so constant eye contact isn’t expected. If the conversation turns tense, you can naturally look off to the side or around the room without appearing rude.

You can also adopt this concept while standing—stand partially beside your counterpart, or go for a walk with them. Both methods let you handle a tense exchange with greater comfort.

Recommendations:

Avoid sitting directly across from your counterpart. Try maintaining around a 90-degree angle. This stance fosters an open, constructive vibe and provides a subtle psychological “escape route.”
Avoid glass tables; round tables feel more relaxed. Glass surfaces expose the lower body, which might cause unease. A round wooden table looks and feels more inviting.
If you’re aiming for solution-oriented, resource-focused work (e.g., in counseling or coaching), position yourself so your client has to look left or right to see you. Glancing to the right in particular can facilitate creativity and insight (see “eye accessing cues” in NLP).

Tool #2

3-Point Communication: A “Lightning Rod” for Maintaining Rapport

The Goal of 3-Point Communication

The aim of this approach is to shield you as the messenger of bad news from “being shot,” so you don’t become the recipient of negative emotions. You might recall Friedemann Schulz von Thun’s Four-Sides Model or four-layer communication concept. Every interaction between two people (sender and receiver) works on four levels. For us here, the crucial layers are the factual (content) dimension and the relational (relationship) dimension.

Imagine you must deliver negative news. You primarily target the factual dimension (the content), but you also want to preserve a positive relationship dimension. However, the listener might interpret or emotionally link the negative information with you. For instance, you have to say, “Your request for time off has been denied due to staff shortages.” Unconsciously, the receiver might associate you with that negative news, projecting their frustration onto you.

Facing the Person is Good—But There Are Exceptions!

We usually maintain eye contact during conversation. This offers pros and cons. On the positive side, direct eye contact helps you observe the other’s reactions, changes in mood, etc., which is beneficial for reading them. You also convey closeness. Eye contact is great for neutral or pleasant subjects. For instance, if you’re giving compliments, you want to see them smile.

However, direct eye contact can feel uncomfortable when giving negative or delicate news. Watching the other’s face can reveal frustration, anger, or shock, which might stress or destabilize you. The audience may also conflate you with the bad news, potentially attacking you if they see you as the cause. So how do you reap the advantages of looking at them without these downsides?

The solution: “3-point communication.”

Two-point vs. three-point communication—what’s the difference?

“Two-point communication” means speaker and listener look directly at each other. This is normal for everyday talk. Typically, it’s optimal for neutral or positive topics. If you want to say, “I love you” or pay a compliment, direct gaze is powerful because the other sees your warmth and associates your positivity with you.

By contrast, “three-point communication” involves you and your counterpart jointly looking at a third point (an object) in the environment—say, a piece of paper containing negative facts, or notes on a flipchart. In this approach, you are deliberately not looking into each other’s eyes. Instead, if you have unpleasant news, you redirect the listener’s gaze to that piece of paper or chart. Unconsciously, the listener associates that negative content with the object, not with you as the messenger. This shift spares you from bearing the emotional brunt of the reaction.

It’s crucial to have the negative message physically displayed—e.g., bullet points on a paper. “Go visual!” In delivering the negative news, keep your own eyes locked on that paper. The listener is apt to follow your gaze. This leads them to project their anger, shock, or disappointment onto the external object instead of you.

When the negativity has been expressed, you can return to more neutral or solution-oriented parts of the conversation. At that point, you revert to two-point communication—look them in the eye again, offering empathy or brainstorming solutions. You might say, “How can we address this together? Can I help you with anything?”

A good example of three-point communication is a TV weather forecast. The presenter shifts attention to the map when describing weather changes (two presenters plus the map). Then, they look into the camera to conclude, reestablishing direct contact with viewers.

Possible Criticism of 3-Point Communication

Some worry that avoiding eye contact during unpleasant news might look weak: “He didn’t even look me in the eye when telling me the bad news…” True, we generally believe consistent eye contact fosters trust. In fact, I recommend direct eye contact most of the time. But during that fleeting moment of negative messaging, your priority is to keep the negativity separate from yourself. Three-point communication accomplishes that, after which you can resume face-to-face contact, preserving rapport. This prevents the negative news from being pinned on you personally.

Recommendations:

For positive news, use two-point communication—look the person or group in the eyes. They see your face and unconsciously link you with the good tidings.
Always write down unpleasant or negative statements, even if only as bullet points. “Go visual!”
For negative news, let your audience’s focus rest on prepared material with the critical content. This ensures they mentally link negativity more to that material than to you. Together, you both look at a third point while you speak. You step out of the firing line.
As a rule of thumb: Don’t deliver the bad stuff while looking them in the eye. In two-point communication, a negative message feels more confrontational. The negative content might break rapport—avoid that by using the three-point approach.

Tool #3

Decontamination

Even so, conflicts can arise: your counterpart reacts harshly, and you feel attacked. That might come with visceral sensations (tension in your stomach, heart pounding, a rush of heat to your face). Those bodily, physiological stress responses are part of nonverbal communication, not immediately controllable. Your body releases hormones; your reptilian brain wants “fight or flight.” Some people have developed ways to remain calm, continuing smoothly despite the adrenaline. Many, however, get stressed. Hence, it’s helpful to have a way to get back to a resourceful state quickly. A powerful trick is called “decontamination.”

The rule: If someone attacks you, don’t respond from that same spot. You need to relocate before responding. Why? Similar to the three-point idea, an attacker unconsciously associates your location with their negative emotions. If you remain there, you’ll be contending with that mental “anchor” the entire time. So, step away. Maybe move a bit aside or shift posture. Then, from your new vantage, respond.

This spatial change frees you from the emotional residue of that “attack location.” Interestingly, even the aggressor’s negativity remains connected to that old spot. Standing somewhere else draws the wind from their sails. You literally reduce the target area of their assault.

Once repositioned, you can also use the old spot as a reference for three-point communication. For instance, after moving to the side, you might point to where you had been and say, “Which part of what I said back there did you find so off?” This method helps you handle the confrontation while not feeling pinned down by your attacker.

Additional Note

Often, an “attack” is less about you personally and more about the content you delivered. In the example, the person cannot accept doing so poorly in XY, a data-based statement or critique, etc. The content is the issue, but at that moment, you feel targeted. By relocating, you decouple yourself from that negativity.

Recommendations:

Don’t respond from the same spot where the attack happened.
Shift your position to release your body’s stress reaction.
From your new spot, point to or reference the old location. That triggers three-point communication about the conflict itself.

Conclusion

Knowledge of nonverbal communication can be used in two ways: either to interpret and decode others’ body language or to expand your own nonverbal repertoire. Improving your own nonverbal skills may prove a more practical, longer-lasting focus.

Michael Grinder, who has spent decades investigating how to use nonverbal signals in group settings and dialogues, also realized that enhancing nonverbal skill can significantly shape your personal growth.

As the NLP model teaches, your thoughts and emotions influence your posture; for example, excitement shows in a lively, energized stance. Conversely, posture impacts your internal states. You can’t easily feel sad with a huge grin, arms up, gazing skyward.

Thus, by practicing beneficial body language, you can positively shape your mindset and personality. With the three tools described here, you can supplement your existing verbal communication mastery with advanced nonverbal acumen—which can lead to significant benefits for your interactions and well-being.

“The body is the glove of the soul. Its language is the language of the heart.” —Samy Molcho

Recommended Reading

“Pentimento” by Michael Grinder
“The Elusive Obvious” by Michael Grinder

About Etienne Dubach

Since 2005, Etienne Dubach has immersed himself in the impact of body language in both professional and personal contexts. What began as a hobby has become his passion and is now central to his work.

During his training to become an NLP Trainer and Coach, he realized his life purpose is to help people reclaim control over their lives and achieve what they truly want.

In his keynote speeches and training sessions, Etienne shares easy-to-grasp and quickly actionable nonverbal “behavioral hacks.” Besides techniques for preventing or resolving conflicts nonverbally, he also offers workshops and coaching in nonverbal presentation skills and effective leadership through body language.