NLP in Dealing with Children

How we can foster a strong sense of self-worth in our children

Topics:

This e-book discusses strategies for developing a strong sense of self-worth in children. Naturally, as an NLP trainer, I couldn’t resist weaving in many NLP elements throughout. The material stems from a variety of sources and my own experiences. It was originally prepared for a talk to preschool teachers, but I’m now making the content available for a wider audience (especially parents).

I’m glad you downloaded this e-book and have started reading it. It’s important for our children to develop robust self-esteem.

Please understand that, for time reasons, I’m not able to offer coaching or respond to questions on this subject. I refer you to the experts and resources named in the references.

A Practical Example to Begin

“I can’t do this!” “I don’t belong!” “Nobody likes me!” Such limiting beliefs often spring up quickly in children. They get repeated and soon become subconsciously ingrained. In many cases, it just takes a little effort to shift their thoughts onto a constructive path – and have them try again with fresh self-confidence. The methods of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) can be very effective in helping children develop stronger self-esteem and greater joy in life.

When my five-year-old can’t master a new magic trick by the second attempt, he sulks and says: “Papa, I can’t do it.” His lips tremble; tears are almost forming – a look I recognize in my son. He’s about to clam up and push everyone away. But he hadn’t even watched me demonstrate the trick. So it’s crucial for me to re-engage him. I need his attention. I decide on a small maneuver: “Hey, how much is 3 + 3?” Arithmetic is his strong suit. He can already do calculations into the thousands.

Though that’s far too easy for him, it reorients him to something he can do. I know he’ll get the answer. So I push further: “What about 1000 – 119? That’s harder than a new magic trick, right?” He giggles at me. Three seconds later: “881.” I say: “Exactly right! Hey, were you always that good at math?”

“No, of course not, Papa.” “Okay, I see. Have you always memorized all the dinosaur names?” “No!” “All right, could you play soccer as a baby?” Now it dawns on him. I’ve brought him back to his resources and refocused him on what he’s good at. That reawakens his self-confidence and sets him up to try the magic trick again. I demonstrate it once more; this time, he watches carefully and understands. Two minutes later, he’s got it down and is shouting for Mom to watch him triumph. He’s had a satisfying experience—“I can do it!”—which I then “anchor” so he can recall that sense of success later.

Of course, this isn’t a universal formula for all situations. But in that two-minute example, we can see how quickly NLP can weave into everyday interactions with children.

Such beliefs have a major impact on emotional well-being. The conviction “I can do it!” sparks enthusiasm and confidence. “I can’t do it!” triggers fear, anger, or frustration.

When adults help children form empowering beliefs, they give them a significant gift.

A Reflection From My Coaching Experience

A strong sense of self-worth—and associated self-esteem—is vital for a child’s healthy psychological development, enabling trust that they can cope with life and withstand rejection. Children with self-confidence can also stand up for themselves more effectively.

I’ve been a coach for nearly 20 years, working mostly with healthy, functional adults. In nearly every case, the deeper core of the problem hinged on inadequate self-worth. Early in life, they somehow learned “I’m not good enough” or “I must strive, produce results, so that I’m worthy.” This fosters anxieties, lack of self-trust, etc.

Rarely was the issue that something tragic happened. Such events are unavoidable—accidents, bereavements, parental separations. What truly matters is how we handle them. Did someone support the child, offer a hug, convey love? Those are the key ingredients for a resilient self-concept.

The basis of our self-confidence and inner resilience is laid in childhood, likely the first six years. Parents and teachers significantly affect a child’s self-worth. The experiences in early childhood shape that sense of worth.

If we think poorly of ourselves and belittle ourselves, that fosters low self-worth, leading to limited confidence. Generally, the more positive one’s self-worth and confidence are, the better they function among people, problems, and life.

Children who hear constant criticism can easily feel not okay or inferior. If a child feels it can’t do anything right or is frequently teased and punished, or if it’s endlessly compared to others, forced to always “perform” to be acceptable, that child inevitably develops low self-esteem.

Our goal, therefore, should be to strengthen children’s confidence and self-esteem. That’s the foundation for their future. Only thus can they later lead successful, happy, and self-determined lives.

I found a lovely text in Heimsoeth (2013) from Helga Schachinger:

I am in harmony with myself and the world.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I am content with who I am and what I do.

I look toward the future with optimism and trust.

I’m confident that I can overcome difficulties and solve problems.

The environment appears friendly and supportive.

I find my interactions with people pleasant and fulfilling.

Strategies to Boost Self-Worth

1. Develop Your Own Self-Worth

We can only convincingly communicate what we ourselves possess. If we want to build a child’s self-esteem, we should have a solid measure of it ourselves. If we can’t handle criticism or mistakes, how can a child learn differently from us?

The Americans say, “walk your talk.” In other words, behave as you speak, or risk being seen as hypocritical. Also, our own beliefs about children influence how they develop—the Pygmalion effect, as discovered by Rosenthal and Jacobson (1971).

Some steps toward building your own self-worth might include:

a) Make a list of your positive traits and qualities, review it regularly.
b) Recall how others have praised you; if nothing comes to mind, ask them what they appreciate.
c) Accept yourself as you are: “I’m ready to value myself as I am.”
d) Revisit times you felt confident—immerse in those memories. Remember, the brain can’t differentiate between real events and vivid recollection.
e) Accept your mistakes, don’t condemn yourself. Instead, ask how to avoid them next time.
f) Use the “Mickey Mouse” technique to handle negative inner voices by distorting them to something comical or ridiculous.
g) Keep a “gratitude journal” or “happiness diary,” jotting down positive experiences each night.
h) Create a morning ritual by asking uplifting questions—“What am I happy about in my life?” “What do I feel passionate about?”

2. Love the Children Unconditionally

Everyone requires regular emotional warmth and affection. This might be a loving touch, a smile, or a hug. Such gestures convey the message that we’re loved or liked for who we are.

We want to be loved for ourselves, not just for good performance. Ideally, children feel they are accepted simply because they exist—so-called unconditional love. Experiencing that fosters a blossoming self-image. The message “I love you, no matter who or how you are” is powerful and nurturing.

It’s a great skill to develop unconditional love, taking each child as they are, with all strengths and shortcomings. A famous quote from the psychotherapist Virginia Satir: “We need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and twelve hugs a day for growth.”

To do:

Give the child a hug once a day
Frequently say, “I like you. I’m so glad you’re here.”
Silently think, “I like you.”

Exercise: Either give someone a hug or hug yourself.

3. Give Attention and Build Connection

Spend quality time with each child and offer your undivided attention, even if brief, showing them you truly hear them. That alone can do wonders for a child’s sense that “I matter.” Show real curiosity about how they’re feeling, what occupies their thoughts, or what they desire. They need to see that their opinions, emotions, and wishes count.

Establish a secure connection. In NLP, we call it “rapport.” For instance, kneel or crouch to the child’s level, make eye contact, maybe gently hold their hands (after Virginia Satir’s family therapy concept). Then fully listen. Don’t do anything else simultaneously. If you’re too stressed at the moment, tell the child that and come back to them later.

Example: I’m on an important call when my daughter tugs my leg. I use gestures to signal that I’m busy. She complies but feels distressed. Once done, I seek her out, kneel so she doesn’t have to look up, and take her hands, saying, “I’m sorry, honey, but that call was important. Now I’m all yours—what did you want to tell me?” Then I’m fully present and listen.

To do:

Proactively ask a child how they’re doing
Maintain eye contact
Listen attentively

Exercise: With a partner, open all your senses and fully, attentively perceive them. Notice precisely what they say. Consider gently mirroring a posture or their speaking pace.

4. Recognition and Praise

Consistently offer praise and affirming words to boost a child’s self-esteem. Commend them for trying or persisting, even if it didn’t quite work out. Perhaps I overdid it with my own child—he soon started praising us: “Papa, that was great! Mama, that’s awesome!” But maybe being able to appreciate others is a wonderful skill for life.

“Catch a child in the act” of doing something good, then praise them—especially if the parents are around. For instance: “Hey, Johannes cleaned up the table.” The child will beam under your affirmation. Everyone loves hearing compliments in front of others. Be specific: not just “Great job,” but “I love how you let your little sister join in so nicely,” so the child knows precisely what they did right, which lifts their sense of worth.

Doesn’t everyone crave someone who believes in them, offering encouragement to keep going rather than giving up? Our children need that. Praise and encouragement aren’t identical. Encouragement means supporting a child. With praise alone, they might sense that they’re only valued when performing. With encouragement, you highlight small steps and nudge them forward.

In everyday communication, we continually transmit messages that shape how a child sees themselves and deduces their value. They trust their parents, teachers, etc., so they can easily internalize either a negative or positive self-image.

To do:

Praise and encourage each child at least once daily.
Let the parents hear your praise for them, too.

Exercise:

Who have you not praised lately? Do it now.
Make a list naming at least 10 good traits per child. Emphasize their strengths.
Keep a “success diary,” tracking each child’s daily wins.

Dan Svarre (“Du bist einzigartig,” p. 98) says, “Away with praise. It’s not worth it.” He contends that kids need to be “seen, heard, recognized, accepted, and taken seriously,” but praise can be manipulative. That’s an intriguing point, but we won’t dwell on it here.

5. Offering Criticism

Limit your criticism. If you must criticize, never attack the person—focus on the behavior. It’s about the conduct. Don’t say, “You’re a bad/naughty/bratty boy!” Instead, highlight the behavior: “It’s not nice to throw sand in Leonie’s face. That’s unpleasant. Please don’t throw sand at anyone’s face!”

For instance, “I do love you. I just don’t like your whining.” The child must sense they’re lovable and valued, even if we criticize what they did.

To do:

Consider a scenario where you must criticize a child. How will you phrase it?

6. Every Child Is Unique

Communicate that each child is unique. It’s not about who’s better or worse—each is one-of-a-kind. Avoid comparing siblings or other kids. Comparison can undermine self-esteem, whether the child comes out “better” or “worse.” For instance, “I wish you were like your sister—so diligent,” sets up a direct comparison that fosters feelings of inferiority. Conversely, “You’re way better than the others” might build performance pressure—what if they slip later? Instead, spotlight each child’s strengths, what they excel at, what sets them apart.

7. Setting Boundaries and Trying New Things

Children also need boundaries. Establish rules they can understand. If you have a rule like “after playing, you must tidy up the board game,” ensure that’s enforced—tomorrow, chaos shouldn’t be left behind. Knowing certain rules are nonnegotiable provides them with security. Yes, you must regularly remind them, but soon they’ll meet your expectations. Be consistent and show the child that you trust them to do the right thing.

Let them take some risks. Children learn from new or daring experiences, and sometimes failing. They learn to gauge and accept risks to succeed. Provide a safety net but don’t intervene too quickly. If they figure it out themselves, it’s a tremendous self-esteem boost. Strike that balance between “letting them do it” and “doing it for them.”

Example: I play “City, Country, River” with my five-year-old. My wife is next to us, ready to give him hints if he’s stuck. But he objects—he wants no help. If Mom spoils the answer, he refuses to use it. He’d rather leave it blank or come up with his own. That refusal indicates his desire to master challenges himself.

Teach children that mistakes are normal. If you make a mistake, admit it. Show that mistakes can be accepted, not condemned, and you can decide what to do differently next time.

8. Actively Train Their Self-Worth

Show children they aren’t helpless captives of their feelings, that they can influence how they feel. If a child feels upset, ask them to close their eyes and picture a joyful memory. Or have them recall a moment they felt proud of their accomplishments. After a minute or so, they usually feel better. Encourage them to see that their moods are, at least partly, within their control.

Urge them to try new things, telling them you’re there if needed. Offer help if they doubt themselves or get stuck.

9. Don’t Overprotect

Shielding children from every hardship isn’t beneficial. To develop a healthy confidence, children must face challenges and realize that mistakes, pain, and defeats are part of life. Overprotection robs them of the chance to grow resilience and adapt to difficulties. Later, they may lack coping skills for crises. Research shows that resilient adults typically had emotional support in childhood, saw resilience modeled by parents, and had experiences where they learned they could make a difference. They gained self-trust through that. Confidence and self-esteem must be actively trained. If we want our kids to be strong, we shouldn’t avoid negative experiences. Too much parental shielding can hinder psychological resilience.

Think of the story about a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. A scientist saw its struggle to escape the cocoon, pitied it, and tried to help. But after emerging, its wings were underdeveloped. That “help” had stunted the butterfly’s growth.

10. Strengthening Strengths —The “PerLe” Method

Some years ago, I met Antje Lex at a seminar. She wrote a book about the PerLe method (cited in the references). It systematically describes how to create projects that highlight and discuss children’s strengths. Ideally, one also involves the parents and teachers’ strengths.

a) Environment: Gather data from the children’s environment. Which child has expertise thanks to a club or cultural background, or living on a farm, or the parents’ jobs? Because, as positive psychology states, harnessing one’s strengths can boost happiness. For a child, feeling recognized as an “expert” fosters self-confidence.

b) Parent talks: In conversation with parents, discover their impressions about the child. You’ll see the positive or negative beliefs surrounding them. Ask, “What are your child’s talents/interests?”

c) Speak with the child: “What are you good at? Who are your friends?” Don’t interrogate—just talk. Let them share their strengths, like “Sandra is good at magic, so she can perform a trick at the next summer party.”

d) Observations: Note what you’ve seen them do—like a certain style of play or creative expression. If uncertain, simply ask them.

Practical Exercise for Strengths It makes sense to help children recognize their strengths through playful activities. I once had my child write his name in big letters, then we found a good quality that started with each letter. We also read stories about heroic characters with certain traits—and then compare, “Are you also good at that? Would you like to be?” Or we might do an imaginative roleplay, letting them “pretend” to have certain abilities.

Many more ideas can be found in Antje Heimsoeth’s book “Mein Kind kann’s.” Examples include:

Give each child an “Indian name” that highlights their strengths (with the child’s consent, of course).
Have the group come up with a resourceful “advertising slogan” for each child, e.g. “Karl, the cool kicker, always hits the goal.” The child might present a little demonstration of it.
Represent each child’s strengths as fruit on a tree—helping them visualize how many they have.
Or trace their hands, labeling each finger with a strength.

Learning NLP

Maybe you’ve become curious about NLP. You want to leverage it to optimally support your child’s potential or boost your own self-confidence. NLP offers many different tools—all share one thing: they’re highly efficient and they work. They derive from modeling top-performing experts in various fields. It’s great if you can quickly develop mastery in many areas, right? Or if you can model any skill you see and replicate it soon after? That’s what NLP is for.

So an NLP training teaches you a broad array of existing NLP strategies. You’ll also learn how to discover and incorporate new ones. In that sense, NLP isn’t just another method but a meta-method that can enhance all other methods.

Your Next Step

For maximum benefit from NLP, I recommend getting started right away. Check out our website, www.landsiedel-seminare.de, and sign up for one of our free webinars.

Wishing you much enjoyment—and that your children experience a wonderful self-esteem boost.

Warm regards,
Stephan Landsiedel

References and Recommendations

Baisch-Zimmer, Saskia; Petrig, Gabriele A. (2011): Kinder-Mentaltraining. Kinder für das Leben stärken. Beltz Verlag.
Heimsoeth, Antje (2013): Mein Kind kann’s. Mentaltraining für Schule, Sport und Freizeit. Verlag pietsch.
Kaweh, Babak (2009): Das Dschungelbuch der Erziehung. So gelingt der Familienalltag mit Mogli & Co. VAK Verlags GmbH.
Lex, Antje (2014): Persönlichkeit erleben Lernen. Das 1x1 für Perle-Projekte. Self-published by Antje Lex.
Long, Aljoscha; Schweppe, Ronald (2011): NLP macht Kinder stark. Südwest Verlag.
Lötscher-Gugler, Hedy (2014): Lernen mit Zauberkraft. NLP für Kinder. Patmos Verlag.
Miller, Lisa; Barker, Teresa (2016): Die spirituelle Intelligenz unserer Kinder. So fördern Sie das entscheidende Potenzial, das stark macht fürs Leben. VAK Verlags GmbH.
Nitsch, Cornelia; Hüther, Gerald (2010): Kinder gezielt fördern. Gräfe und Unzer Verlags GmbH.
Schachinger, Helga E. (2005): Das Selbst, die Selbsterkenntnis und das Gefühl für den eigenen Wert. Huber Verlag.
Schüler, Doris (2016): Schüchterne Kinder stärken. Wie sie Ängste überwinden, ihre Gaben entdecken und die Persönlichkeit entfalten. Amondis Verlag.
Svarre, Dan (2013): Du bist einzigartig. Starker Selbstwert – Starkes Kind. (German translation by Kerstin Schöps). Beltz Verlag.